I’m studying photography in Dortmund, Germany, currently working on:
- Photographing, writing and reading
- Putting a little book together with all my previous work
- Becoming friends with my social anxiety by going out and photographing my actual friends
- Getting rid of the fear of what people might think by sharing my thoughts and feelings that I’m most uncomfortable with
Actually, all these points are just one big try to become the person that I want to be.
This post is inspired by Derek Sivers
Im still going through all my pictures for my book and its really exhausting because the editing makes me sad and excited at the same time. Ive found so many pictures and notebook pages that are so personal.. Like I always got the most excited when I took a shot and thought, “this will be just for me and I will never show it to someone.” When I developed at the university, I always ran from the darkroom to the other room where they appeared after processing, because I was so afraid someone would look at my negatives (although, no one cared at all). I think its because sometimes I wish my stuff was a bit different, like I wish I was a little bit “cooler” and not that sensitive and romantic. But when Im honest I really like being sensitive and not that cool at all. I think I will just do it anyway when it comes to publishing. I mean, the right people will get it.
Social anxiety is the worst thing I can think of right now and the last few days were rough. I have such a deep desire to live my life to the fullest but on the other side there is this thing inside me which holds me back and let me want to act like im not really myself. Its not that I feel sad or depressed, its just that I wish I could stay in my room forever without seeing or talking to somebody.
Im not sure why I write about this but Ive spent a big part of my life hiding my mental disorder and not knowing what was going on with my brain. Its really the worst feeling Ive ever experienced when your body starts doing crazy things and you have no idea whats actually happening. You can’t even explain it to yourself, you just loose complete control. Ive always felt like something is very, very wrong with me, like Im not even human or at least not like the people around me. But things became a lot better after Ive started to learn and to talk about it. And Im actually so much better these days than a few years back. I couldn’t even go to a family dinner or meet a girl I like, because I was too afraid that somebody will find out that something isn’t right with me. I can’t put into words how much my heart hurts when I think of all the things Ive missed out. But Im working on it and I guess its normal that these days keep coming back.
So if anyone reading this who is struggling with any kind of anxiety, start to read books about it, go see a therapist and most importantly, tell your friends about it. Fuck it, tell the cashier at the supermarket about it. I know its hard to show yourself vulnerable, but you’ll feel better afterwards. People are good at heart and will understand you.
You’re doing great and things will get better.
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